he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
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I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
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apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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