i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Is it penis luge time yet?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.