I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
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aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
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Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
me + whiskey = a bad person
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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