She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
