Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
