I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
