He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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