Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize