my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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