There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
