Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
