There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
