During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
