do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
