i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
