Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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