we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
