my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
