Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
