She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
