Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
