Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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