so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
