Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
