Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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