Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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