either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She told me I should be a condom model.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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