i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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