If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
