My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
