yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
