there's paper in my vomit.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
