It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
