dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
