and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
