Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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