false alarm. still invincible.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You made out with two different species that night
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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