i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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