I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize