hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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