I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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