The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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