Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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