He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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