My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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