I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
