Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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