I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize