i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
