1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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