god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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