last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
