You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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