I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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