I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You ruined the universe
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
