Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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