in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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