ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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