Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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